A (CHAOTIC)Year
in Review

After a vaccine is finally approved and distributed globally, we begin to see a decline in infections, hospitalizations, and death.

Unfortunately, Apple ended up being the source of the outbreak after an extensive investigation.They plan on releasing COVID-19 Pro and COVID-19 Pro Max in 2021.

Athleisure finally puts an end to every other fashion trend. Levi’s and Big Demin all go bankrupt overnight, leaving a vacuum for sweatpants makers everywhere.

The company that creates Wedding Attire out of sweatpants has explosive growth, eventually unseating Tesla as the world’s most overvalued company.

After a head-to-head battle between cryptocurrency and traditional stocks, money as we know it becomes about as useful as the UN.

We begin to rely on bartering, much like a global Burning Man. Our training during the pandemic left us well-equipped to hoard commodities like toilet paper and toothpaste. Amazingly, the economy has never been stronger.

The long-game finally pays off. The internet, once heralded as the future of humanity, did its final bidding and destroyed society from within itself. Misinformation, deep fakes, and endless newsletter popups for 10% off rendered humanity useless.

Our last hope, unplugging the damn thing, became impossible after the only man to do it decided to go hang gliding in a hurricane. A selfish yet thrilling mistake.

We finally contact intelligent life in our solar system. The news sends Earth into an even larger tailspin. Chaos ensues. We’re told to keep calm and carry on, but we’re glued to CNN’s TikTok to hear more about our extraterrestrial brethren.

The transmission ends up being an ad for alien deodorant called Astrostick®, sold directly to the consumer and made from only recycled materials. Upon hearing this, we ignore it and move along our daily lives - slightly more annoyed than before.

Weddings go one of two ways for you – Absolute pure jubilation. Pure chaos. Pure ecstacy. Before someone is telling you who they are and how they know the bride or groom, you’re putting a shot in their hand. Mr. Brightside or Sex is on Fire come on, or the band plays Run Around Sue, or the DJ plays WAP and you are literally parking your mack truck in every persons garage.

Or, you aren’t doing any of those things. Because you aren’t going to weddings. Because who the hell isn’t cancelling their wedding again? Selfish.

No one uses this color once. There is no such thing as “Ultimate Gray”. There’s change-of-pace gray, and background gray, and foggy gray, and grey, and gunmetal grey. But that’s enough grays. I’m looking in the #F0F0F0 to #FAFAFA range, or I’m using black at different opacities, but not Ultimate Gray. There is nothing strong or positive or thoughtful or ultimate about it. Sorry, Ernst and Young, but no.

In a surprise turn of events, in the Warnock/Loeffler race, 63% of people write in Andre 3000 and in the Ossoff/Perdue race, 56% write in Big Boi. Outkast is back baby! The south has got something to say!” Andre exclaims. Big Boi looks out at the victory crowd, “Tapes, CDs, baby please, you make me want to scream, you’re on my team starting first string so why are we arguing?” Everyone goes nuts.

Facebook gets broken up, Instagram is sold off and the new buyer returns the feed to the chronological timeline. Augmented Reality goggles go mainstream and now you can’t see anyone’s mouths or eyes. DMVs in most states will still not let you renew your license online.

TikTok gains so much momentum that quartely investor calls are now done in 15 second dance clips.